The Feels.

Studying abroad is an experience I am glad to be acquaintanced with at this time. Whenever I see Orion in the sky, I say hello -or bon soir- and tonight as I paid my regards I couldn't help but think about how last year, this time, I never thought I would be in another country. I have said goodbye to two people, so far, that I have made deep connections with and that I will miss deeply; they touched me in a way that I felt I had known them for years and am sad they live on the opposite side of the world. On my walk home, after a night of sharing a bottle of wine by the river side -which has become the usual on a nice evening-, I was thinking about how lucky I am. 

Often, when I meet someone they ask me what I study and what I'm going to do after I graduate school and every time I have found my self floundering for a productive answer that makes me sound like I have my shit together. However, tonight when I admitted to two of my favorite people here that my answer to the question "what are you going to do after school?" is really "I don't know" one said, "that's what I love about America, you have so many options." That phrase made me realize that it's ok to not know what I'm going to do with my future. Don't worry Mama and Papa, I have a plan, but it's hard to explain to someone who's expecting and answer like doctor, lawyer, or race car driver. I read a quote from somewhere recently that went something like this "Life doesn't begin till 40, before then it's merely a test drive." People here know that I love to do theatre, it's just something that I'm going to do the rest of my life for fun but it can never be a career. I'm an unmarried 25 year old undergrad. I'm a spinster. At this point in my life still being in college, single, and sort of having a plan for after college is grounds for a judgement stare that people think they are hiding. I can see it, and I know I'm not following the path of a type A personality that has their life planned out with a nuclear family in 3 years but I know what I want. Happiness. I'm finding it everywhere. Here in France, at home with my dog, with my diploma I'll have next year, with my car that can drive me hundreds of miles, and with a spirit that isn't held down by what society expects of a mid 20's woman in her prime. 

When I arrived home, my lady's daughter and husband had surprised her with a visit. When I meet new people I am always nervous because I am not fluid with perfect French response, but when we sat down for dinner I couldn't be more comfortable. The son in law was engaging, charming, and curious about my thoughts. The daughter was accepting, informative, and loved helping me with my grammar. We sat at the dinner table for two hours discussing places to visit in France, politics, religion, America, cheese -today was the first time they had sharp cheddar cheese from Wisconsin. Yes fellow cheese heads, my dad sent me a package with that in there.... and a 40oz bag of M&Ms-, and life in general. Tonight was a major turning point for me, I had to answer questions I was absolutely not prepared for that I had to keep politically correct but yet still personal with a vocabulary and sentence structure that was understood by all parties. Let me tell you, I have never in my life applied conditionnel, conditionnel passe, subjontif, subjontif passe, present, passe compose, imparfait, and futur in one rolling conversation before. Yes, they understand I'm a student. Yes, I have an accent. Yes, they know I'm not a pro. But, it felt SO GOOD to communicate ALL THE FEELS with no pause. When I ever I said "I have a question" the son in law immediately would focus all his attention and say "Yes Mica please ask". I have never felt so comfortable with strangers and asking so many questions about France and life, after my questions they would ask so many about America and how I felt about certain things. I felt like I was apart of the family. 

After dinner we all sat around the computer laughing at Basset Hounds running photos. Tonight was exceptional, I have only been here for a month an 4 days and I know, for a fact, my oral response has improved 100%. I am very happy with where I am at this life check point.